Clinton died and was standing at the gates to Heaven. He knocked at the gates, and St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "'It's me, Bill Clinton." "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton. "Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
Joke 2
Two friends are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.
Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I'm already 2 hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. The ole' lady is gonna kill me. "
The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"
The first says, "Yeah, why?"
he second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time."
The first guys says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", & the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.
Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guys wife is waiting up for him.
As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself?!?"
He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket."
She reaches in and pulls out two twenty dollar bills.
She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"
He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"
Joke 3
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly, a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. So, instantly, the fairy turns her into brunette, and she then swims off the island.
The next blonde asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly, the fairy turns her into redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. So, the fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Joke 4
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"
Joke 5
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.
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